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Big Girls Do Cry

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Showing emotion has too long been viewed as a sign of weakness. “Tough” and “strong” meant holding in how you were really feeling, especially as a mom trying to juggle it all. Fear of being judged or being seen as weak or imperfect prevented us from sharing our emotions. No one wanted to be the odd woman or mom out. But unlike the lyrics of the song most of us know from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, big girls do cry. Shedding a tear doesn’t make you a wimp or pathetic; it makes you real.

Whether you are the mother of a newborn, a toddler, or a teenager, parenting is hard. And although the problems may change (getting your little one to sleep through the night to getting your teenager to come home at night), tackling them is equally as challenging. It can drive the sanest of us insane! Add to that another child or two, and the tasks don’t double, they quadruple: your head is spinning. Without your Google calendar attached to your hip telling you whom to pick up and when, you would be lost. But sometimes, even the most organized planner, the best parenting books, and the cleanest diaper bag can’t replace how lost you really feel.

Fear of being seen as lesser, imperfect, or subpar makes most of us hold our feelings in. And as the emotions build, so do the walls we put up to hide how we are really feeling. But the walls not only keep our feelings hidden, but they also keep the support of others out. They prevent us from making contact, from building relationships, and from seeking help.

When we share how we feel, our failures, and our fears, we create community. We create connections. We work together. And together, as a unit of women, moms, partners, sisters, and friends, we can stand stronger. Start a movement of honesty and truth by being honest and true with who you are and your fallibilities. You never know whom your words will reach and whom you will inspire.

So, take it from two big girls who frequently cry: crying is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a pretty good thing. Just find the shoulder of someone you trust when you do. It will make the whole process a whole lot easier!

Acceptance

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Weather has a mind, a plan, and a path of its own. No matter how many times we open our weather app, if it’s going to rain, it will rain. We can’t will it away, wish it away, or watch it away (although you can go away and avoid it). It is the ultimate in uncontrollable. For all of us who have planned an outdoor wedding, an outdoor event, or have been derailed at an airport because of weather, you know what we’re talking about. To put it simply, battling uncontrollable elements sucks. Watching and waiting is beyond unnerving. But this is not a piece about the weather; we are for sure no meteorologists. It is about accepting the seemingly unacceptable, making peace with a fate you never dreamed, and learning to work through the discomfort to find a new calm.

On the surface, the connection may be hazy. However, that awful feeling of “I have no control” combined with “I have no idea what will happen” is not dissimilar to what you feel when trying to get pregnant, especially when it isn’t working. And while we are certainly not equating the weather to whether you’ll have a baby (we get how different they are), we are highlighting the similarities in the emotions we feel in situations that we can’t control.

When the pregnancy thing is not coming easily, the first emotion is usually shock. We have heard many a patient say, “I thought I just had sex and it happened. What is going on? Why is this not working?” The reality is that getting pregnant can be really hard. It can be really frustrating, exhausting, and frightening. In this situation, thoughts like “Will I ever be a mother?” run through one’s head on auto-repeat constantly throughout the day.

Additionally, our inabilities to will a baby into our belly can make us angry—angry with yourself, your partner, your friends (especially those that seem to get pregnant when they just look at their partner), and your doctor. These emotions are common and normal. Everything you feel, say, and want to scream is totally legit—for lack of better words, this sh-t sucks.

While we can give you a ton of advice about fertility, a lot of advice about GYN, and a good amount of advice on OB, what we can’t tell you is how to let the anger, frustration, and I-am-so-pissed-off-right-now emotions go. For each of us, it’s different. For some, it’s time. For others, it’s distance; for still others, it’s change. But whatever it is and for whatever amount of time it takes, when you finally arrive, it will be liberating. Acceptance of what previously may have seemed unacceptable will allow you to no longer stand still or move backwards but in fact take a leap forwards. The freedom to let it go is empowering and energizing—with this release, you have the strength to tackle your next steps.

Most women struggling with infertility probably never wanted to undergo fertility treatments, let alone talk to their GYN about why things were not working out. They never imagined doing IVF, let alone something like egg donation or a gestational carrier. The realization of where you are in relation to where you wanted to be can be mind-boggling.

And while we are certainly not minimizing your emotions or making light or your situation, we are hoping to push you forward. As your pacers, we know what awaits you at the finish line. We can see the end way sooner than you can because we have run this race alongside many other women many other times. We have some serious experience on this course and know its ins and outs, turns and curves. We want to guide you to the finish and achieve the dream of parenthood.

There may be no bigger control freaks than us at Truly, MD. Admittedly, we too are type A++++ women who like to check, double check, and then triple check. Gambling is not our thing, and we almost never leave anything up to chance. It’s just not our style. But through years of both professional and personal trials and tribulations, we have had to learn to let go—to give in to the unknown and to say okay to the previously unacceptable.

While we are certainly not recommending that you just go along for the ride on your fertility treatment merry-go-round (we want nothing more than to empower you to ask questions and participate actively in your treatment), we do want to help you close that weather app and accept what’s going on outside. You may not get pregnant on a bed of roses listening to Sade…it may be in an operating room with bright lights and a speculum. It doesn’t mean you failed or are any less of a woman. In fact, most would say you are even more of a warrior woman and will make an even better mom because of all you went through to become a parent.

Although the weather forecast may look bleak, remember, things can change as the days and time get closer. And even if it doesn’t, even if it rains or snows or hails in April, you can get through it. You may need to go to Plan B or Plan C, but at the end of the day, if you hang in there, you will be a parent. You will have a family, and you will reach the end of the fertility journey.
If you can find a way to accept your forecast, the skies will be bright on the other side; you may just get wet on the way.